April 5, 2002 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

bigtips

Nice young men across the hall just want to help out

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

Dear Mary,

My lover and I live in an apartment building and there's an old woman who lives across the hall from us. We're very quiet, and she's never seemed to have anything much to say to us, good or bad, whenever we see her in passing. I don't know if she knows if we're gay, although that doesn't really matter unless it scares her away from talking to us.

We're concerned about her, because she seems to be in her 80s or thereabouts, and we never see anyone visiting her or checking in on her.

We'd like to offer to take her trash down for her, and check in and see if she needs anything, but we've always been the sorts to keep to ourselves, and we're not quite sure if she would find

it rude of us to approach her.

Do you have any suggestions for breaking the ice with someone much older?

Nice Young Men

Dear Homo's Where the Heart Is,

Here's the magic words: “We made a big batch of cookies and thought you might like some."

Dear She's Cellfish,

Well, if you paid for tickets and she kept you from using yours, she owes you. At the least, she owes you money for your ticket. A decent friend, even one in the stupifying throes of hot new love, would accompany that with a big fat apology.

Of course, you can't physically extract these from her. You can, however, make it very clear to her (on her machine, if necessary) what you want from her. There's a difference between being distracted by a new affair and neglecting a paid-for commitment to a friend, and she crossed the line.

BIG TIPS

You can knock at her door if you think she's in, or you could leave them at her door, and wait to see if she takes them in. If you think she might be nervous about eating something made by folks she doesn't know (this is a neighborhood-by-neighborhood thing), you could always have bought "too many" flowers at the farmers market, and leave her some with a nice note. That might be enough for her to chat with you the next time you run into each other in the hallway. When you're taking out your trash, knock on her door and see if you can take hers, since you're heading to the dumpster already.

She might never notice that you're a couple. People have a tendency not to see what they don't have a mental category for. On the other hand, you don't know anything about her. For all you know, she may very well have quite the interesting past herself.

I hope you two get a new friend out of the deal. And may a couple of nice young boys live across the hall from me when I'm old.

Dear Big Tipper,

My friend is pissing me off, because she's late for everything since she got a new girlfriend. That is, when she's not forgetting she made plans with me at all.

She had tickets for a show we were going to meet at, and she never even showed up, and she wouldn't answer her cell phone, so I had to miss the show, and the tickets were on my credit card.

She's always been a little selfish, but it was never a big deal, I've always called her on her shit. But you can't call someone on their shit if they don't answer your call. I want my money back, and I want my friend back, too.

Waiting in Line for Hours

LOOK!!

How long has your friend been hooked up with her new girl? Is it really new? If so, she's still being a jerk, but she'll probably come up for air sometime in a few months and start acting a little more like your friend. In the meantime, you might want to let

her buy her own tickets.

If they've been together a while and she's still acting neglectful, it's possible that her new girlfriend is doing the "I don't like your old friends, so you're/we're not hanging out with them" thing. Which is awful, but if your friend is going along with that, you're in trouble.

In that case, let her know that you're disappointed, that you miss her, then start making plans with groups so you don't miss the show.

Dear Big Tipper,

In an unbelievably weird moment this past weekend, my boyfriend's father pinched my ass. I've always had a friendly relationship with his mother and his father. They've recently divorced, but they both still live in town and visit us frequently.

His father was over for dinner, and the evening was like many others we've spent, a nice dinner, cigars, talk about what we're reading and planning on putting in the garden. We hadn't been drinking except for a bit of wine with dinner, so I just can't imagine what was going through his mind when we were standing at the door saying goodbye and he grabbed my ass and pinched it.

There is no question in my mind that this was intentional. This was no casual graze. I was so surprised I didn't even say goodbye.

When he shut the door I immediately told my boyfriend, who laughed and said I must be mistaken. When I insisted, he believed me, but we can't imagine what he was thinking.

Should I say something to his father?

Dear No Ifs, Ands or Butts,

Butt No

Nah. Just keep your ass safely against the wall next time you're in a hall with him. But it makes you wonder what lies behind that divorce, doesn't it?

Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.

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